So I know I’ve been focusing on triggers and flashbacks a lot recently. But I had a neat moment happen to me recently. Sometimes these things are so difficult to explain and create an already thick layer of self doubt. These details, major events, extreme happenings have vanished from my(your) mind and then suddenly you’re swayed into thinking something is true.
So of course then I question... “Am I making this up? How do I see and remember so many specific things now when 10 minutes ago I didn’t even remember it at all?” And so on.
Honestly, I’ve always thought things like this because I have a long history of trauma so my trauma brain has always been working overtime trying to help me like.. not die. Social media hasn’t helped this either.. but whenever a public figure, a celebrity, athlete, politician.. whatever is accused of sexual assault the questions come out. From family. From loved ones. From people who are supposed to love and support you.
“She doesn’t even remember all the details.”
“She can’t say where it happened!”
“She doesn’t remember what she wore!”
“She doesn’t remember the color of the wall paper!”
All of these “She doesn’t remember” things.
I don’t remember a lot of details sometimes. Other times I remember TOO much.
I can’t tell you how incredibly damaging it is for people who vote and make laws to hear logic in this way. It’s worse for the survivors and future survivors and future attackers. So stop doing that shit.
I CAN tell you I have come across a slightly relatable feeling to a traumatic flashback where the details suddenly fill in the gaps.
And it might sound dumb, but here me out. And really think and take it in.
I was born in the early-mid 80’s. I’ve recently stumbled upon a gallery of photos on Facebook. This gallery is simply pictures of random, everyday objects from that time. A brand of hairspray or hair accessories. Toys. Snacks and drinks. Articles of clothing. School supplies. Magazines. Books. Scents of perfume. Bracelets. Quarter machines.
I was looking through with a smile on my face and kept saying “Oh my god, I totally forgot all of these things!” And some of it was stuff I used or was around every single day! I suddenly had my head flood with memories that came in around these items.. taking pictures with that little camera, film, going to the store to drop off and pick up.. I remembered a plaza having a film development box thing.. like what was that? All sorts of shit. Some of it came back so clearly. Other things? I remembered but not many details.
It seemed comforting. Because it was like a refresh of innocence.
So, I guess, next time someone asks me why I forget things or why flashbacks can knock me on my ass and I can just say like “Hey, remember Alf?” And walk away.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to use some of this Country Apple body splash and be on my way, whore.
(Why did we call everyone whores? Wtf was that?)
Ttfn : )
