Actually, it's a mug.

I was in Target a while back before the whirlwind of Quarantine struck. Back when you could still meander aimlessly through the aisles, casually sipping a comforting brewed beverage which is conveniently located in the front of the store... up and down each aisle without a list, or a care, or a face mask. When you didn't know what you needed but Target would TELL you...ahh.. those were the days... I'm sorry, what were we talking about? As yes. Aimlessness. *sigh*. I was getting the first group of basics that I knew I would need for my new apartment. Dish towels, drying rack, toothpaste, WHY DIDN'T I BUY MORE TOILET PAPER, shower mat, batteries.. that kinda thing. Anyways, I went through the basic bitch Magnolia Home section which I adore looking through! However, like dying my hair, I lack the follow trough to commit to such an endeavor. But this time something caught my eye. It was low key sassy, and sarcastic, and passive aggressive and I don't know who was messing with Joanna Gaines on the day she designed this mug but I am here for it. Look at this:

WHAT IS THAT?!?! I had to have it! I had to. At first I snorted at it, because that's what I do. I snort at things. I reached for it, and shook my head and took a step. Then I stopped and stepped back again. And then I picked it up and really looked at it. It wasn't pink. It wasn't floral. There were no cheesy pictures, or an over used yearbook quote of guidance and encouragement. It was firm, both glazed and unfinished, the letters printed deeply and in caps. For no specific reason, but for all of them at once I placed this mug into my cart and kept going. It was the first thing I took out of the bag and placed on a shelf. Even before all of the work was complete.

As a person with multiple stories, and multiple traumas, I have an array of triggers. I've learned, in the last 7 years, how to zero in and pay attention. One thing that I do, is to let words of abusers take over my brain. Those words lay so deeply within me I don't know that they'll ever disappear completely. So I do my best to differentiate if the words are coming from my brain, or from my past abusers. Sometimes it's hard to tell. Sometimes I can't find the logic. Sometimes it's still easier to just believe them regardless and quit or give up. I'm doing my best to rebuild my confidence, so even if I use this mug as a joke sometimes, I'm hoping it might ingrain itself into my brain the same way the negatives did. So if I begin to doubt or question myself on a task that may seem crazy or way above my level I'm hoping I"ll respond with "Actually, I can." and go for it. A semi for of training.

I, like everyone else in the literal world, has had a lot of adjusting to do recently. A big one I hadn't prepared myself for was my crisis counselor moving on in his journey. I take advantage of an incredible program here in Syracuse which provides me with free counseling sessions (They offer much more than that, however that is my current level of need). This was not a surprise. My counselor was an intern. However, with the quarantine, our last few sessions were virtual. Now despite me being incredibly thankful and appreciative of such technology being available, it was sad to have it end that way. A slight lack of closure. But really, I'm never truly satisfied with the final goodbyes. I've only been back into counseling for about 5 months or so, but the growth I've managed to accomplish has been incredible.


I'm willing to fully admit my anxiety during this next phase. Now is the waiting for a new councilor during a quarantine part. I have no idea how long it will take, or if I will connect the same way. I, again, feel so thankful to have received the councilor I did in that time. We were able to solve  problems, face insecurities, and identify a lot of blocks and other challenges I had in a very small window, comparatively. My hope is that, despite having a blip in the radar, I'll be able to continue my growth and progress. And, at some point, if anything in my mind says I won't be able to stay strong, I won't be able to focus, I won't be able to make progress and that I can't do it... I'll just snort and say "Actually, I can,"