I haven't been able to meet my counselor face to face but thankfully we have Zoom chats once a week so we can at least see one another.
I'm on the hunt for a good affirmation to tell myself every day. She said it might help me separate my trauma brain from my actual brain. Sometimes I get so deep within my trauma brain it's days before I'm able to shake it and wake up. Add depression and anxiety on top of it and you have a super fun concoction of fuckery. Therefore if I have some affirmation to tell myself every morning, evening and time I feel really low on myself it might help me see I'm in a trauma. This should also help me zero in a bit more on actual triggers and what's causing these extreme shifts and emotional pulls.
Another thing I'm going to begin ASAP is a daily journal. Just for basics. What I did today. If I felt a certain way. What maybe caused or had some effect on me. Not necessarily LiveJournal style, but enough where I can feel a solid end to the day, do my affirmation, and feel like I've accomplished something.
In all of this chaos of the shutdown, we've lost routine. In some sense of the way even if you've gone to work as always, there's still change. I'm hoping maybe to bring some routine into my days. My flowers are too. I suck at watering them. I love them but it seems I'm some plant villian. Kinda messed up.
I'm learning how to cope with being alone. I haven't really had that in the last 5 years. Even before that I worked 60 hour weeks. It's amazing my cat knows me at all. Maybe a routine will help me. Being a newish single mom, I'm still not used to not having my kiddo here with me sometimes. One would think I'd get all sorts of things done but, not really. There's a lot of avoidance.
But tonight I'm manic. I've gotten 3 loads of laundry done. I put a shelf together. I cleaned my kitchen floor on my hands and knees. I put away rooms full of clutter and "where the fuck does this go?" kinda stuff. And now I'm writing. One would thing I would feel incredibly accomplished but I don't. I have no control. I feel as if everything is spiraling just out of reach of my fingertips. My plate is so full and I just keep pushing things around with my fork hoping it will digest itself because I'm not sure of the sequence of events that need to happen, and I know there's more layers I can't see yet, and I'm afraid. My knee jerk reaction is fear. I cannot tell you how sick I am of being afraid. It's my body's defense to protect me so I shouldn't be MAD at it... and maybe I'm not. It's justified. I'm just tired.
Everyone says how strong I am.
What are the other options but to survive? What does it matter? Brave or not, I'm here. Afraid. Tired. Manic. Pushing the fork.
That confidence tastes good. That sense that everything is set and ready and planned and perfect. It's safe, and comfortable. Then I'm strong. Then I'm bold. Then I shine.
This is the part where I freeze. Every quirk I have is on full display. Eyes darting. Nail biting. Putting my hair up. Taking my hair down. Putting my hair up. Taking my hair down. twisting and pulling my hair tie. Finger spazzing. I can't sit still, but I can't move all at the same time.
Trauma brain.
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