Flash(back) Gordon

So I know I’ve been focusing on triggers and flashbacks a lot recently. But I had a neat moment happen to me recently. Sometimes these things are so difficult to explain and create an already thick layer of self doubt. These details, major events, extreme happenings have vanished from my(your) mind and then suddenly you’re swayed into thinking something is true. 

So of course then I question... “Am I making this up? How do I see and remember so many specific things now when 10 minutes ago I didn’t even remember it at all?” And so on. 

Honestly, I’ve always thought things like this because I have a long history of trauma so my trauma brain has always been working overtime trying to help me like.. not die. Social media hasn’t helped this either.. but whenever a public figure, a celebrity, athlete, politician.. whatever is accused of sexual assault the questions come out. From family. From loved ones. From people who are supposed to love and support you.

“She doesn’t even remember all the details.”

“She can’t say where it happened!”

“She doesn’t remember what she wore!”

“She doesn’t remember the color of the wall paper!”

All of these “She doesn’t remember” things. 

I don’t remember a lot of details sometimes. Other times I remember TOO much. 

I can’t tell you how incredibly damaging it is for people who vote and make laws to hear logic in this way. It’s worse for the survivors and future survivors and future attackers. So stop doing that shit. 

I CAN tell you I have come across a slightly relatable feeling to a traumatic flashback where the details suddenly fill in the gaps. 

And it might sound dumb, but here me out. And really think and take it in.

I was born in the early-mid 80’s. I’ve recently stumbled upon a gallery of photos on Facebook. This gallery is simply pictures of random, everyday objects from that time. A brand of hairspray or hair accessories. Toys. Snacks and drinks. Articles of clothing. School supplies. Magazines. Books. Scents of perfume. Bracelets. Quarter machines. 

I was looking through with a smile on my face and kept saying “Oh my god, I totally forgot all of these things!” And some of it was stuff I used or was around every single day! I suddenly had my head flood with memories that came in around these items.. taking pictures with that little camera, film, going to the store to drop off and pick up.. I remembered a plaza having a film development box thing.. like what was that? All sorts of shit. Some of it came back so clearly. Other things? I remembered but not many details. 

It seemed comforting. Because it was like a refresh of innocence. 

So, I guess, next time someone asks me why I forget things or why flashbacks can knock me on my ass and I can just say like “Hey, remember Alf?” And walk away. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to use some of this Country Apple body splash and be on my way, whore. 

(Why did we call everyone whores? Wtf was that?)

Ttfn : )

Momento Polaroid

 Something I’ve been really frustrated with lately is the fact that my trauma brain has blocked out SO MANY THINGS from my memory. In my process lately of FACING my past.. it has been a struggle. I can’t face what I don’t remember. Some may say “Why dig it up if it’s something you blocked out?” I’m glad you asked!

I’m still having trigger responses from things I don’t remember.

It’s difficult to deal with and understand triggers if you don’t know where they come from. So this has been my journey.

Tonight I remembered something. I was falling asleep on the couch because I’m exhausted, so I came up to bed early. Then, of course, I couldn’t sleep. So I started reading. And then I remembered. 

Now what I remembered isn’t important here and I’m not going to share it. 

But it was a time when I felt incredibly betrayed by friends. And also, it added a weird puzzle piece to a bigger picture I hadn’t connected until this very moment. 

And it’s fucking with me. 

So now.. it’s two hours later and I’m tossing and turning and my body is uncomfortable and I can’t calm down or settle. 

I replay good stories in my head and think back on my last few days and about the progress I’ve made but sometimes it’s just still so heavy and dark. 

But in general? It’s information that tinges me at the moment but will be a useful bit to keep in a jar for later. 

It’s like goddamn Momento.

Naps and hot showers

 Some days are just beyond weird. Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and that can often be kind of a day of misery. For me it wasn’t! Not this year. And honestly? Even on years when I was alone I was still ok. I don’t hate the day or what it stands for or represents. I felt pretty good and pretty high all day. ALL day. I felt happy, beautiful, smart, and like everything is exactly how it’s supposed to be right now. Cloud 9, content, proud, and productive!

I did find all of this odd, however. I typically am never blissfully happy for an entire day. I did take notice so I wouldn’t come crashing down. As a positive extreme can be as emotionally draining and detrimental as an extreme low.. I threw some restraint, caution, and took some deep breaths.

Today it a bit of a different story. I’m “ok” but no where near the level of yesterday’s confidence. Today I am slow. Distracted. Mopey. Sluggish. And not feeling beautiful. I want to take a thousand hot showers, and snuggly naps. And snacks.

But things line up this way sometimes. I’m working on creating more balance and less extreme feelings to help even me out 

I’ve been able to achieve a fraction of the things I had planned to work on these last two days and it’s difficult not to be consumed by that. But again, things I’m noticing and working on. . 

It’s a battle I will be fighting for the rest of my life, but being able to finally face and work through things has made me feel like I actually will survive this and sadly that’s not a feeling ive always had. 

Writing this has helped and made me feel a bit better

I think it’s time for my second coffee run of the day. 

Work it.

I’ve been trying to write an entry for weeks and I just can’t get it together. This fucking pandemic. 

I’ve been busting my ass trying to work through my trauma and it’s exhausting, and painful, and trying, and beyond any capacity I thought I had before. 

I’m oddly comforted because I know, for the first time, I’m actually on the right track. I’m doing the right things. And I’m processing everything. One of the more difficult things has been to try to remember details I’ve blocked out. But I’ve managed to put some pieces together and continue to make progress. 

Boundaries have been my most useful tool during this time. I never really realized how much I let the demands from other sway and guide my life. That’s silly. It my life. I’m going to decide how I go. 

It’s been insanely difficult as I’ve been so vulnerable. Another reason why boundaries have been a life saver! 

My entries have been and will continue to be short and few and far between. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m working. 

🤍