Something I’ve been really frustrated with lately is the fact that my trauma brain has blocked out SO MANY THINGS from my memory. In my process lately of FACING my past.. it has been a struggle. I can’t face what I don’t remember. Some may say “Why dig it up if it’s something you blocked out?” I’m glad you asked!
I’m still having trigger responses from things I don’t remember.
It’s difficult to deal with and understand triggers if you don’t know where they come from. So this has been my journey.
Tonight I remembered something. I was falling asleep on the couch because I’m exhausted, so I came up to bed early. Then, of course, I couldn’t sleep. So I started reading. And then I remembered.
Now what I remembered isn’t important here and I’m not going to share it.
But it was a time when I felt incredibly betrayed by friends. And also, it added a weird puzzle piece to a bigger picture I hadn’t connected until this very moment.
And it’s fucking with me.
So now.. it’s two hours later and I’m tossing and turning and my body is uncomfortable and I can’t calm down or settle.
I replay good stories in my head and think back on my last few days and about the progress I’ve made but sometimes it’s just still so heavy and dark.
But in general? It’s information that tinges me at the moment but will be a useful bit to keep in a jar for later.
It’s like goddamn Momento.
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